Channel 6 ½ News

Brenda Stump, News Anchor: In other news, the state of Florida has been replaced by a little girl named Suzy. Also, Colorado and Texas are switching places.
 

Cold Open

"Night of the Living Kevins"
Danny has a nightmare where everyone has Kevin's face and personality.

Complaint Department

Man: I want to date you.
Complaint Dep't Woman: I want to be dated!
 

Good Burger

[Connie Muldoon enters the restaurant and walks up to Ed, who is taking orders.]
Ed: Whoa! Hey, Connie!
Connie Muldoon: Hello, I'm Connie Muldoon!
Ed: Yeah, I know! Welcome to Good Burger; can I take your order?
Connie: [reading an ad] Yes, I would like one Good-Good-Good-Good Burger!
Ed: Sorry, lady, but we don't have such a thing on our menu.
Connie: Yes, you do!
Ed: 'fraid not.
Connie: Oh, 'fraid so! Look!
[pointing to the ad]
Connie: I want the hamburger with four meat patties!
Ed: Well, where is she?
Connie: Who?
Ed: Patty!
Connie: There is no Patty!
Ed: Then how can I meet her?
Connie: WHO?!
Ed: Patty!
Connie: No! Not meet Patty—meat patty!
Ed: [confused] So you want to meet Patty?
Connie: No, Cabbage Pot! I don't want to meet Patty! How could you meet a person who is on a hamburger? I want a hamburger with four pieces of meat! [sobbing] Four, four, four!
Ed: [counting on his fingers] Uh, 444 Good Burgers!
Connie: No, that's not what I ordered!
[shortly thereafter]
Connie: [frustrated] You're screwy! I'm exiting!
Ed: Say hi to Patty for me!
Connie: Tube!
[Connie leaves. A few seconds later, Lester Oaks enters, and approaches Ed.]
Ed: Whoa! Hey! Are you Patty?
Lester Oaks: No, I ain't no Patty woman! Do I — Lester Oaks, construction worker — look like a Patty woman to you?
 

Loud Librarian

Miss Hushbaum: [very loudly] It's time to feed the parrot!!
Parrot: [mimicking her] It's time to feed the parrot!
Hushbaum: Quiet!!
Parrot: Quiet!
Hushbaum: This is a library!!
Parrot: This is a library!
Hushbaum: Noisy bird! Can't you read the signs?!
Parrot: No.

[to a man who is choking]
Hushbaum: Quiet! This is a library—not a choke-a-torium!

[to a ringing bell above the library entrance]
Hushbaum: Hush, bell! This is a library, not a ring-a-morarium!


Miss Fingerly

Miss Fingerly: The classroom is no place to express yourself!

[drawing a square on the blackboard]
Miss Fingerly: Class, I have just drawn a triangle, which in England is known as a three-sided fruit pump.

Miss Fingerly: And so, class, had Abraham Lincoln never chopped down that cherry tree, America might never have won the war with France!

Miss Fingerly: And so, class, World War IV began when the Russians attacked a cheeseball factory in northern Tennessee.

(after a student tells her he brought in a ham radio)
Miss Fingerly: The classroom is no place for radios named after lunchmeats!

(the students laugh after she gets hit with a pie)
Miss Fingerly: Stop laughing! There's nothing funny about a woman with pie on her!

(when a student begins washing his pet in class)
Miss Fingerly: The classroom is no place to scrub your rodent.
 

Unknown Sketches

[after being attacked by "Zuzu, the infected elf"]
Connie Muldoon: Oh… I've been "elfed"!

[after being hit with a fish]
Connie: Oh… I've been fish-whacked!

Vital Information

Lori Beth Denberg: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." No one cared.

Lori Beth: "The early bird gets the worm." Fine! I don't want the worm!

Lori Beth: "Eeny meeny meinie mo. Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers" … then let go of his toe before the tiger kills you!

Lori Beth: "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat" — and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.

Lori Beth: If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.